I'm sad today. Again. Augh.
I try to stay upbeat as much as possible, but it's not always possible. I accept this; we're all human with events and emotions in motion, often beyond our control. When the bad or unpleasant happens, we react as humans do. Sometimes it stays with us. Sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.
I hate depression. But I seem to have found a sort of "magic bullet" for it these days, though I don't really believe such a thing exists. Mine is my son and daughter. One or both of them will say or do something that gets me smiling at the least, laughing usually. But then, depression (REAL depression) doesn't respond well to the good stuff very often and there's a pain that goes along with trying to deal with the physical affect it has on the body. It's tiring to fight off something you don't understand, didn't want or ask for, and don't know how to explain. Some days, just the thought of getting out of bed makes me cry.
I hate this.
My ferrets, my kids, my chores...I spend a LOT of time in those spaces trying to fill it up inside of myself, so as to learn how to be there better for those I love. If you can't be there for yourself, if you don't even have yourself to know, to love, to be involved in your own life, how then can you be there for anyone else unless it's in a codependent fashion--unhealthy and sick.
I look weak to my ex-husband, my daughter...I know I do. And maybe I am. Maybe, as Pat Benatar said long ago, "maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway." I don't think I do. I'm just so damn depressed it's scary. And here I am on Chantix, trying to quit smoking. Hate being the slave I've become to these things. But what is there to do? I want to be done smoking but the hell of it all is, cold turkey kills me inside. But quit I will one way or the other.
It's dinnertime now, but I'm not hungry. Will surf for a while on this mindless machine and the internet with it's cold anonymity. Seems to help. Better posts later. :)
I try to stay upbeat as much as possible, but it's not always possible. I accept this; we're all human with events and emotions in motion, often beyond our control. When the bad or unpleasant happens, we react as humans do. Sometimes it stays with us. Sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.
I hate depression. But I seem to have found a sort of "magic bullet" for it these days, though I don't really believe such a thing exists. Mine is my son and daughter. One or both of them will say or do something that gets me smiling at the least, laughing usually. But then, depression (REAL depression) doesn't respond well to the good stuff very often and there's a pain that goes along with trying to deal with the physical affect it has on the body. It's tiring to fight off something you don't understand, didn't want or ask for, and don't know how to explain. Some days, just the thought of getting out of bed makes me cry.
I hate this.
My ferrets, my kids, my chores...I spend a LOT of time in those spaces trying to fill it up inside of myself, so as to learn how to be there better for those I love. If you can't be there for yourself, if you don't even have yourself to know, to love, to be involved in your own life, how then can you be there for anyone else unless it's in a codependent fashion--unhealthy and sick.
I look weak to my ex-husband, my daughter...I know I do. And maybe I am. Maybe, as Pat Benatar said long ago, "maybe I just wouldn't know what to do with my strength anyway." I don't think I do. I'm just so damn depressed it's scary. And here I am on Chantix, trying to quit smoking. Hate being the slave I've become to these things. But what is there to do? I want to be done smoking but the hell of it all is, cold turkey kills me inside. But quit I will one way or the other.
It's dinnertime now, but I'm not hungry. Will surf for a while on this mindless machine and the internet with it's cold anonymity. Seems to help. Better posts later. :)
